Monday, May 7, 2012

being an open book

most of my friends would say that i am an open book in most every way and that's 100% true -- almost.  i definitely over-share with my girlfriends and co-workers, but there are things that i do keep private -- like why i started this blog.

so here goes ...

i've always loved kids.  i started babysitting when i was eleven years old.  when i was living in dc and for a stretch of my time here in la, i was a nanny while i was trying to make a go of it with acting.  i love being with kids, because it allows me to step back and see things in a different light, a much simpler one.  i love picking them up from school and hearing about their day, being goofy and asking them whether they're a noodle or a doodle, reading bedtime stories, and tucking them for a good night's sleep. 


for a long time, having kids was just something i always knew would happen if i ever found the guy.  let's be real, that was always my biggest obstacle.  i was single for the majority of my 20s and the first couple of years in my 30s.  i just assumed that if i were lucky enough to find the guy, then the family would come.  i can't tell you how many nights i spent alone crying over being single, or how many weddings i attended solo, sitting at tables with couples gushing over their husbands and wives while i hated every minute of it.  dating is only fun if you are dating the person you are going to eventually partner off with. otherwise, it's torture -- either you have a great time and they never call back, or you are sitting across the table from them wondering why in the world your friend thought that he would be your match, praying this guy doesn't call the next day.

the bottom line is that when you're single there seems to be a very concrete divide between you and the rest of the world, and the worst thing you can say to a single person is:  "when you stop looking, you'll find him."  you might as well say:  "you're doing something wrong.  it's your fault you're single."


the best part of being single is all the time i spent bonding with my girlfriends.


but then something miraculous happened and i actually met him.  and it turned out he was better than i could have imagined, so i fell hard and fast.  we moved in together after six months, got engaged on our one year anniversary and five months later we were married. 


once the wedding and honeymoon were over and we were back to real life, we started trying to get pregnant.  it became clear that we weren't the kind of couple who just (oops!) tried once and got knocked up.  we've been trying for a year and a half and it still hasn't happened.  we have a fancy fertility doctor in star-studded beverly hills (one of our favorite games in the waiting room is "who's that celebrity").  usually on my drive home instead of talking to my sister about how many mature follicles i have, i'm discussing the celebrity i just saw.   we've been through rounds of treatment and the conclusion is we're both healthy, but no luck yet. 

i went to a dark place during all of this because, like i said earlier, i just never thought that making a baby could be so hard.  i mean, i spent my entire 20's trying not to get pregnant.  the next several months involved me being very bitter. why was i so cursed that i wasn't lucky enough to have met jeff earlier?  now i'm in my mid-30s trying desperately to get pregnant and i'm constantly reminded of how when i do get pregnant it will be considered a geriatric pregnancy.  seriously.

my single girlfriends would say "well at least you have someone," and my friends with kids would offer up "be glad you are able to sleep. enjoy it while you can."  but those comments only made me feel more alone in what i was going through.  i am ready, more ready than most of my friends because i have been watching kids for well over two decades.  i know how to diaper a baby, how to get them to giggle when they were cranky, how to tell if they were really sick or just wanted to stay home from school, and i understandd how hard it could be to get a child to sleep.   it is just not fair!

after a very depressing part of last year, i finally came out on the other side (thanks to my therapist e.c. & my dear friend/acupuncturist mu) and decided to be grateful for everything that i do have. i recognize how rare and lucky i am to have met the love of my life, to have an amazing family and fierce friends who love me no matter how crabby i am.  maybe this will take a little longer than i planned and, as my mom would say "that's okay."  i'm not used to things coming easy anyway. 

so from time to time i might write about what we're going through, but most likely you'll just see a lot of what i love.  after all, i don't know how comfortable i am with making this a fertility-only blog.  but, at the same time, i wanted to be truthful to what we're actually going through.

for now, i'll leave you with one bit of advice: if you know someone who is going through fertility issues, for the love of god, don't say "you just need to relax."  it's like saying "it will happen when you're not looking" to a single person.   in both cases just say "that must be hard for you, let's go get an ice cream."



* i recognize to most of the people i grew up with, acupuncture sounds like voodoo, but i can't tell you how helpful it has been for me.  i was so relaxed last month, that i forgot to take the pregnancy test.

95 comments:

  1. Oh, Jess! I had no idea. crossing my fingers for you - you'll be the BEST MOM!!

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  2. You're going to have sweet, adorable and generally awesome Titas y Titos Pequenos(plural) somehow/someday. And all this crap in between is the rocky journey to the inevitable destination. It will happen. And you will be a fantastic Mom, maybe even more fantastic because of all of it... Love you Tita!

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  3. thanks, ladies. i know it will happen, but i think it is good to put it out there, as no one really talks about it.

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  5. baby. it is so gonna happen. i just know it. in the meantime...let's go get some menchies. ;)
    love you.

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  6. Your honesty is so refreshing. I'll be praying for you!

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    1. thank you, grace! you were my first non-friend to post. it really means a lot!

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  7. A very brave post! This is one of my biggest fears - I'm nearing 30, married and know that I want kids but I'm just not ready quite yet. I've always had this feeling that it won't be easy for me but won't know until we try. It's a slippery slope.

    Best of luck and everything else for your journey.

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    1. thank you so much. it means a lot to hear you say that. but, what i have found through all of this, is if you want to be a mom and have a family - you will.

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  8. Sometimes it does help to read/find infertility blogs, even if that's not your focus. One place where I found a lot was stirrup queens blogroll. Therapy also helps. It helps to find others who really understand what you're going through. Best of luck.

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    1. i'm a huge fan of therapy - i don't know where i would be without it. thanks so much for your post.

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  9. thank you so much for this post - i had tears in my eyes reading it. i am going through the same thing and it is so nice to not feel alone in it. loved that you also have an accupuncturist - i'm going to my first appointment today! wishing you all the best in this journey. thanks again!

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    1. wow! that means so much to me. how did acupuncture go? i find it really helps relax me. i've gotten to the point where i fall asleep on the table.

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  10. I'm sorry. I have a 6 year old and a 17 month old and I'm 100% in love with them. Seriously, they make the worst parts of my life seem nonexistent and you obviously deserve that. I'm a new reader hoping for the best for you and your love.

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  11. I read this recently, "The secret to happiness lies not in getting what you want, but in wanting what you have." I wish I could have put this into practice during the four long years it took for us to have a baby. Of course there were times when sadness was appropriate, like during two horrible miscarriages. But I was so obsessed with having a baby that a dark cloud seemed to overshadow just about everything else in my life. I was just telling my husband, the day before I came accross this quote, that I feel like I wasted so many good years being unhappy instead of being grateful for the many great things in my life. I'm not sure if I had to do it again I'd be able to reign in those emotions, but knowing what I know now, I would definitely make that effort. Take nothing for granted.

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    1. i really am trying to live by the quote now. i'm so glad to hear that you do have a family and very sorry to hear about your two miscarriages. i can't even imagine how devastating that would be.

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  12. I found this link via Cup of Jo. I know all too well what you are going through, and appreciate your candidness very much as it's something i was never able to bring myself to do on my blog (and hence, stopped blogging). I missed baby-showers, withdrew from friendships and sought therapy due to our infertility and when people said it was as difficult as dealing with a life-threatening illness like cancer, I knew exactly what they were talking about. I wish you and your husband strength and love through what will very possibly be the hardest thing you ever go through. Much love, patience and good fortune to you both.


    Kate

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    1. thank you so much, kate. i am sorry to hear that you can relate, but really appreciate YOUR candidness. best wishes to you and your family.

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  13. You sound just like me (or I am just like you!)

    It's funny how you think you are the only one in the world going through these issues, and it seems like everyone you know has been/or is pregnant!
    I look forward to reading your blog.

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    1. thanks so much, ashley. best wishes to you on your journey!

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  14. you're incredibly brave. thank you for sharing so honestly. wishing you the very best for the journey. you'll be an awesome mom xx

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    1. thank you so very much. it really means a lot.

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  15. I agree with Ashley May...you can't help but think you are the only person going through these emotions. It's been a whirlwind for us, but unlike you, I'm not quite brave enough to talk about it on my blog yet. Good Luck, Jessica. I'll be thinking and praying for you.


    http://inmydoantime.blogspot.com

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    1. yeah, it was hard to bite the bullet and actually put it out there, but i do feel much better. good luck to you, as well. i'm sending you positive vibes.

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  16. I just happened to visit your blog and noticed you like acupuncture...Great! Have you ever tried seeing a chiropractor for your infertility? If not, I'd look into it. They are great with stuff like that, especially since you've been checked and have been deemed healthy. Just a suggestion...good luck! Things will work out. There's no shame in being honest on your blog either :)

    Andrea
    andrea-thelivewire.blogspot.com

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    1. thanks, andrea. you know i was seeing a chiropractor awhile ago, but not for infertility. i should try that.

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  17. What you are going through is so difficult. I know.....I was there and finally got pregnant via IVF with our 2 kids. I remember the dark and sad days all too well but somehow, someway you will be a mom!

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    1. thanks! did ivf work for you the first time?

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  18. Also found my way here from cup of jo. No kids here yet, but I have watched close friends struggle (and still are struggling) with infertility, and close family friends that never did conceive. Thank you for this honest post.

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  19. Just wanted to say that I appreciate your honesty, and good luck with everything. I hope you get everything you wish for!

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  20. Found your blog through Cup of Jo, but just wanted to say...from someone who's been there..my heart goes out to you. For me the worst part of the fertility struggle was when other friends got pregnant. Not because that made me sad (it did...it was bitter sweet), but because of HOW people tiptoed around me. The standard comment, "I'm sorry...I'm pregnant," with the same intonation as a question...was the worst part. Dear people of the world: I can be happy for you and sad for me at the same time. Really.

    Again..my heart goes out to you.

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    1. oh my goodness, i can totally relate to you. yeah, there comes a point where people quit asking you things, for fear that you will break.

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  21. I similarly found your post through Cup of Jo...and I wanted to say thank you, and good luck. My husband and I have also been unsuccessful in our attempts to get pregnant so far, and holy cow, it's emotional. From trying to stay positive when overwhelmed with the number of friends/colleagues getting pregnant (or maybe it just seems that way), to discussions about how far we're willing to go to conceive naturally to adoption discussions and "isn't our family (me and my husband) enough" weird feelings? Yikes. It's enough to make an overly analytical person (me) go insane (hopefully not yet). I hope all goes well for you and your family. Thanks for talking about this.

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    1. i'm just as analytical and yes, it made me go insane last fall. yeah, the really weird part is getting feedback from my single friends that i should just be happy i have a guy. i get that having a partner is 100% incredible, but the grass is always greener -- and just b/c you have the guy, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to not have the baby.

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  22. Such an honest post, thank you for sharing. I too, have been there and know how hard the roller coaster ride of infertility can be. So much uncertainty and loneliness. My heart goes out to you too. Hugs too, cause sometimes even the right words help ease the sadness.

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    1. thank you so much, didi. i hope that everything worked out for you?

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  23. I saw a link to your blog and had to read, since I have had so many similar issues. It was really brave of you to write this: I know how hard it is to be honest about this situation, and while my closest family and friends knew what was going on with me, the vast majority of people did not - making comments like "when are you going to have a baby already?" that much more frustrating.

    I am pregnant now, and even when people congratulate me and say "oh were you trying?" I kind of want to kill them.

    Also, I think it is great you are doing acupuncture. I truly, 100% believe in it - and believe it directly resulted in me getting pregnant, when fertility drugs did not.

    People will continue to say the dumbest things. It is so hard to ignore, but know that you aren't alone. I loved this post about the crazy stuff people say, especially the adopting part:
    http://theinfertilebird.blogspot.com/2011/08/what-not-to-say.html#more

    Best of luck to you.

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    1. yeah, i always hated when someone would say "oh, are you guys trying? it will happen so fast."
      really? and the bottom line i really feel like if you haven't struggled with it, you have no idea about the other side, right?

      congratulations on your pregnancy! i hear acupuncture is also great for morning sickness.

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  24. Thank you for sharing. Dealing with infertility problems has been extremely painful and lonely. When other people talk about it- i feel less alone. thank you.

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    1. absolutely. i'm glad that i can help. best of luck to you on your journey, jacquie!

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  25. Please know that you are not alone and that so many people are going through the same struggle that you are. My husband and I went through 5 rounds of IVF and finally conceived twins after being told that there is nothing else the doctors can do for us and that we should probably consider donor eggs. We are both in our early thirties and healthy. The past two years (of trying to conceive) have been the two most difficult years for me emotionally. Keep the faith and stay positive, even if it is hard to do. Hugs!

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    1. five rounds? i don't know how you did it. with the drugs, the emotional & physical journey, it is so draining. congratulations on your twins.

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  26. Jess, you rock. Thanks so much for baring your soul. My hubby and I have been trying 2.5 years with no luck, while all our friends are cranking out kids, so I can't tell you what an encouragement it was to read this post. Love to you, sister.

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    1. thanks so much. best of luck to you guys!

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  27. You put into words exactly what i have been feeling for the last 16 months. Thank you. It is very hard for people that have not been through this to understand so it is nice to know i am not alone. I wish the world could see this post! Good luck to you.

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    1. i 100% agree. if you haven't been through it, you just don't get it. of course, i would never wish it on anyone, but i do hope that my post maybe helped them to understand the struggle. i'm sending positive vibes to you!

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  28. Loved the post. Well said! And acupuncture totally works, as long as the acupuncturist really knows what s/he is doing. I'm Japanese, living in Tokyo, and certain efficacy of acupuncture (such as pain relief) is covered by national insurance coverage. And even for other less obvious efficacy (like infertility or atopy, the latter being a condition I suffered from 8 years ago) there are certain acupuncturists that are good and patient enough to help the patient get better. I found one such guy in Tokyo and gave it a try for one year (4 times a week!) and my atopy conditions got a WHOLE lot better. And he also had patients with infertility issues and many ended up having healthy babies--there were many photos pasted on the wall of the clinic ;) I wish you the best of luck.

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    1. yes, i 100% swear by acupuncture. i found an amazing one in south pasadena and she has healed me in many way. thanks, suko!

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  29. I too found this link through A Cup of Jo. I admire you for bearing your feelings over this struggle to your friends (and the world)! My own story is strangely similar but different- after 10 years of being with who I knew was "the right guy", we finally married and started trying. Finally, after two years of following all the rules and just after I turned 30, we got our positive. We hadn't exactly given up, just stopped monitoring every little detail (you know the deal- temperature, coitus, what colour socks we wore that day, etc). Now I am nearly 14 weeks along, and suffering the kind of nausea and morning sickness that has put me in hospital and compromised my job. I am glad we had trouble getting here, because we had to learn to relax to achieve our goal, and now I am better relaxed (okay, almost fatalistic to a fault) to cope with this current hell. The expectations we have are so different to reality, but in the end I guess it's Mother Natures sometimes harsh way of preparing us for parenthood. Good luck! Enjoy the ice cream while you can keep it down!

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  30. Oh, and hopefully you won't face this, but acupuncture rocks for morning sickness! Drugs can help with the symptoms, but acupuncture goes to the root of the cause. Wish I'd tried it pre-pregnancy.

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  31. Thanks for sharing your story. Best wishes.

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  32. Great post! I, too, was single until I met Mr. Right at 35. Before meeting him, I made a major change by leaving a dot.com job, to nanny. Something was driving me to do this. I nannied for the same family, (who have become great friends) and helped raise their three adorable children. Then, I found out when I turned 38 that I had gone with menopause without even knowing. My cycle just stopped. After 6 months of tests after tests, and tears and horrors of what could be wrong, it was confirmed. Friends and family have no idea what to say, and that is a hard thing to come to grips with. There are times when I go thru the woe is me, but then I look at my god-daughter, the kids I took care of, and our nephews/niece and realize that I am very lucky to have all these great kids in my life! Nice thing is ... I am still with the love of my life, and we have accepted that we will always be a great Aunt and Uncle.

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  33. I came by way of Cup of Jo too and second a PP about stirrup queen.

    We struggled with unexplained IF for almost 5 years and I wished someone had taken me out for ice cream instead of constantly asking when we will be having kids or to relax.

    Wish you all the best!

    tomi

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  34. You know, through my infertility struggle, my all-time low came when my MISCARRIAGE DOCTOR told me I needed to relax. She said I wasn't going to get pregnant because I was so uptight about it. You know, many years of struggling with infertility, brutal procedures and three miscarriages DO make you uptight. Funny, I'd have thought she'd know that. You are not alone. As someone else mentioned, online forums can be a great source of support. I found my 'ladies' over 10 years ago and together I swear we can conquer the world. We have been through so much together and I consider them some of my dearest friends even though we've never met. We've all had our babies now, one way or another. Don't give up hope. Get up each morning and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Miracles happen every day. Mine is seven years old and the light of my life. Good luck.

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  35. Thank you for being honest about such a taboo topic. My husband and I were told 3 years ago that we would never be able to have children. At least not without a miracle (which I believe can happen!). I feel like we went through all of the stages of grief with the news, including a period of time when I "broke up with God" over the situation. Fortunately like you I've come a long way toward accepting and embracing the life we've been given, and all of the possibilities it brings. I think a part of me will always hope for children but I'm also learning to say Yes to the future, whatever it brings.

    Peace and joy to you in the midst of waiting--

    Stephanie from http://stephaniehillberry.com

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  36. stay strong, it is very tough what you are going through. no one's advice or words can really help. prayers and good luck for you.

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  37. I followed Joanna's link since I figured this is something that would ring true with my experience. I have been there. Oh, boy, have I been there. Even now, two years after having my twins (via IVF), I can remember our struggles like it was yesterday. We too were "healthy" but it just didn't seem to work after trying from winter 2005 until early spring 2009. I read TCOYF, checked my temperature, had sex on a schedule. ;P Every period felt like a failure. One that I couldn't really talk to many people about besides my husband. At the same time, it seemed like every friend of mine was getting pregnant "accidentally" or one month after trying (or at least that was my perception). It's complex, because I was clearly so happy for everyone in my life who wanted and were then able to have children. But at the same time it seemed like a constant reminder of what I didn't have. My husband and I agreed at some point that we would be happy with just the two of us. We decided to do IVF as one last ditch attempt at the age of 34 and unbelievably it happened. We have healthy, beautiful, adventurous twins (b/g) who are now 2 and I can't imagine my life without them. I think there's something about being a mom after trying so hard and waiting so long, that makes you appreciate everything even the really frustrating parts of being a parent. This is all to say, and you know this already, you're not alone. There are so many of us who have been through the same thing. I think being at peace with the process, knowing that children will be in your lives one day regardless of how it happens, self care (acupuncture also did wonders for me; even followed the TCM diet for a while), and lots of positive outlets for stress is such a good place to be. Kudos to you for knowing this already and being so willing to share with others. I wish you and your husband the best!

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  38. my husband and i have been married for 6 years and haven't seen a baby yet. we were successful once in getting pregnant a couple years back but miscarried early on. i loved how you talked about knowing that you are prepared to be an awesome parent due to decades of baby-sitting - that's exactly my sentiment! wishing you continued peace and happiness.

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  39. I went through the same type of situation about 4 years ago. My partner and I had been together for 10 years- but never wanted to have kids just yet- but when we decided we were ready- nothing...we tried and tried for over a year and then gave up. And then something miraculous happened- I got pregnant. And I was scared at first because I had had a few drinks (before I knew) and had not been in the "anticipating baby" mindset. But long story short, healthy son and everything was fine. And I started talking to other women and heard a lot of the same type of stories- really wanting a baby, and trying for a long time unsuccessfully, only to give up and then get pregnant. I am not trying to say that that is your situation, or to downplay actual physical reasons for infertility, but I think we (women) are too hard on ourselves. I practice yoga and we are often directed to set an intention for our prectice, and I think for situations like mine, and perhaps yours, the intention should be to relax. There is what we want, but the wanting can create an anxiety. Release from that desire can be hard, but it can also give relief, no matter the outcome. For you and your husband, I hope your hopes and dreams come true.

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  40. People used to tell me that 'maybe its not meant to be'. What?! I have the desire to be a patent. Doesn't that mean its meant to be?! Ugh. The things people say. So frustrating. Hang in there. Infertility is a tough road. I went through lots of feelings of being a failure and broken. You are not alone...lots of us out there 'get it'. So hang on and be strong!

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  41. I also found your post via A Cup of Jo. As many women who have posted, I also have struggled for years with infertility. I completely agree that it needs to be talked about, but it is still hard. I have gotten very sick of the "just relax" comments. Why can't the people who love us just say "I'm really sorry" and "How can I support you?" instead of being awkward and trying to give advice? The last person that said unsupportive comments to me got a response from me I don't think they expected...I said exactly what I felt about their advice and that it wasnt helpful and I don't need to hear it! Good luck with your journey. I understand.

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  42. Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband and I have been trying for almost a year with no luck. We are extremely healthy, I'm in my late twenties and my husband in his mid thirties. This past month, I declared a "break" month which I needed for my own sanity. I sometimes find it hard to look at pregnant women and babies, because I want it so bad. My husband and I are supposed to go in for our first round of infertility testing next month. I'm nervous and scared, but also feeling a sense of relief. Thank you again for posting this, it really means a lot. Hugs and best wishes to you.

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  43. A good friend just sent me a link to this blog post because your story sounds so like my own. Just wanted to send well wishes your way and let you know that there are lots of us out here going through this, and I know just how you feel. I did start a fertility only blog. You can find it if you go to my profile. Best wishes and good luck.

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  44. You've just said the things i wish i had the bravery to say over three years ago - i'm so proud of you for opening your heart. My husband and I had difficulties, I've got growth hormone deficiency disorder so my hormones are really off key and we tried and struggled for three years to fall pregnant. Then we finally got the help we needed, the right treatment and fell pregnant with our little boy, Charlie. I can still remember that ache in my heart for a baby, i'd be unable to sleep at night, unable to look at youngsters, i started hating myself, feeling guilty and calling myself 'barren'... the list goes on and i remember everything and every stupid comment people made. I can't tell you that everything is going to be ok but please try to be strong, believe in yourself and your love for each other will help get you through this terrible stage. Just by writing this you've shown your immense courage and determination - i believe in you and i wish you both all the happiness in the world. You look like such a lovely couple :) love, Tanya

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  45. wow! i am incredibly touched by all of your comments. seriously. i was really questioning whether to even talk about everything we had been going through, for fear that it was too private. but then i just felt like not many people do talk about their infertility struggles -- and i know when i'm going through something it really helps to know that someone else is out there, going through it to. you ladies have made me feel so much better. i appreciate all of your kind words, thoughts and wishes. thank you so, so much!

    jessica
    www.thingsthatsheloves.com

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  46. Thanks for sharing these intimate issues about infertility. I know exactly what you mean: we had to wait 3 whole years for our son, and it was very hard. And I too got the advice to 'just relax and it will come' or: 'just focus on other things'. Well, relaxing is not easy in times like that, and it was the most important issue in our lives, so focussing on other things was just not possible. I found more comfort and trust in the words of my doctor: "try to be even more patient, because most couples do get pregnant eventually." This was based on statistics, so maybe this will help you to keep believing in getting pregnant.
    Anyway, I really appreciate you being so honest about this, because infertility is such a lonely and invisible sorrow. I wish you all the luck and patience for the time to come.
    Love, Marjolein

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  47. oh yes. thank you for your breath of fresh air honesty. i just went honest on my blog too...every time i sat down to write, what was biggest in my world was all that would come. i wish you all the best care on your path. love from new zealand. x

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  48. Thank you for sharing. Found you via cup of Jo. I have only told a few close friends of my "f*cked fallopian stupid tubes" courtesy of endometriosis. When I first found out I felt empty. Barren. Cried at the drop of a baby-hat for about a month. Didn't tell anyone. I'm 26 and never thought I'd be researching IVF while fresh little babies pop up daily on my facebook feed. I heard a documentary about young girls getting eggs frozen at 10 years old because they've been through chemo which strangely made me feel like I was part of a secret society...there are women everywhere in all walks of life who, for whatever reason are having to use all kinds of methods to have a baby in their arms. And that makes us way more miraculous and special than the normal sex = baby equation. (Thats the pep talk I give myself!) But still like to wallow in my sad thoughts every now and then. I have a few good friends I've told who say things like "Fuck. That sucks", and share a coffee and chocolate, which is exactly what I want to hear, not any of this "relax it will happen/you don't know what the future holds" crap. :) and reading comments and blogs like this help immensely. all my barren irreverant love

    Cait xx

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  49. I can say I know how you feel. In my 20s I wanted a dozen babies. In my early 30s, I thought ok, half a dozen. But when you don't meet your partner until 38 things change, and you think... just one baby will do. After years of trying and fertility treatments (we also did acupuncture, nutritionists and pretty much every alternative treatment)
    I finally fell pregnant in 2010. What I never considered throughout all of that was miscarriage. To finally fall pregnant only to loose our little girl was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. No one talks about after a miscarry, they say "sorry for your loss" and really bad things like "it was meant to be". Mean while your heart is turning into a gluttonous black mass and you shower and change with the lights off for months because you cannot bare to look at your own body. Your own body that has failed you, has turned into your biggest hate. You push your partner away and turn into yourself becoming stagnant.
    Then one day I stopped to think about how I had not had a period for months, my first thought "great, now I am going through menopause". I finally went back to my fertility doctor to have some tests. Then on April Fools day we were told I was pregnant again. This time by ourselves. Because of what had happened last time and because I was too a geriatric mother, we told no-one for ages. Then when it became all too obvious we told our families I was expecting. Every day I carried the fear in my heart I would loose this baby as well. But no, my son, (yes at 43 I finally get to say those words)was born in December last year.
    I too got inundated with stupid advise, like the relax and it will happen. So no that is not my advise... my words of wisdom after all of this, as hard as it may seem...don't forget to love yourself.

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    1. Wow, what an amazing story. Thank you for sharing this. I am sad to hear of your loss of your little girl. We do not talk about miscarriages, almost especially to people we know, so your story is rare and touching and helpful! My own Mum had a few, and a late stage "stillbirth", yet she can't talk about them. Now I am terrified of losing my current (1st) pregnancy- and am almost hating my body in anticipation...perhaps if I expect the failure, it won't be such a shock? I will try to love myself more. If I can't do that, how will I love this baby?

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  50. i've had 4 miscarriages in two years and it sucks. i really don't know if it'll happen for us but we're giving it a whirl one more time. every time, i get sorta happy but have to remind myself: not yet. see if it sticks. it's crappy way to start something that should be beautiful. but that's my reality. i too have a blog and i never write about it. it's too hard. i think you're really brave to put it out there and i wish you the best of luck.

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  51. Ok....everything that you wrote is my life to a T!! I HATE it when people say to me "you just need to relax and it will happen" Really? I hate it when pregnant people complain about how terrible their morning sickness is and that they can't wait for this "thing" to come out. Or when they complain after ALREADY having a child that they are so miserable that they can't get pregnant with their second and they know how we feel. I want to scream at them "you already have one!"
    I didn't get out of bed last month for 2 days when I got my period. I thought that this was the month that it is going to happen. I'm in denial....I keep putting off the application for the "success guarantee prgram" at my fertility clinic because I keep thinking that this is the month. I go to my acupuncurist weekly, take nasty tasting herbs during each phase of my cycle, my husband takes 15-20 vitamins a day to keep his sperm healthy. My life is consumed with trying to get pregnant. But, I know someday that we will have a baby. I just know it.
    Thank you so much for writing this. I have tried countless times to come "out of the closet" with this whole thing via Facebook or a blog and everytime I write something I delete it. I don't want people to think that I want sympathy or anything like that. I want people to know that this is a huge epidemic and that more and more people go thru this than one would think. I recently read an article and it said that if more people came forward then maybe insurance companies would start listening and offer something for people going thru this. We do not have any coverage for anything. Not even the meds. Not even the consultation fees. It is hard for us to decipher what route we should go for because of that reason.
    So once again I thank you for this. I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I know that you will be a mom someday. I just know it:)

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  52. Your honesty is very refreshing...found you via Cup of Jo and will definitely be a new reader. I also know all too well what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying for a year and I have been having treatments since January. I'm actually having surgery on June 5 to either unblock or completely remove my left fallopian tube, as this seems to be the reason for our infertility. I also know what it feels like to have that dark cloud hang over you and to feel like what you're experiencing is so UNFAIR! I wish you and your husband the best of luck, and will be praying for both of you.

    http://bits-of-brooke.blogspot.com/

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  53. Thank you. I sent to my bestie going through the same thing...It's time for some ice cream. :)

    I wish you the best!!!

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  54. It is as if you know me and wrote my same story. Point is... You are not alone. So crazy what we expect out of life and the journey it takes us on.

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  55. I've been there too, and we now have a beautiful little girl and are trying (and trying and trying) for our second. Don't give up! It WILL happen. A friend once told me that our children's souls have already chosen us and are just waiting for the right time, and when I met my daughter, I knew she was right. Kia kaha xx

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  56. My sincere empathy to hear of your struggle and those written in the comments above. It's hard to know the "right" thing to say. Cliches tend to come flying out when a conversation is awkward but they seem to put up an instant wall, as though saying "we are now officially having an impersonal exchange of words". Your post showed me the vulnerable heart behind the issue and from now on I will pay close attention to my responses, focusing not on the "perfect words" but on the human connection. The fact is we have all been through hard times and all been left feeling worse by peoples sometimes self-consumed reactions (like when I had a miscarriage and my husbands friend told me he knew just how I felt because his new dog had ALMOST been hit by a car this afternoon! I can laugh now...). Wishing you love and luck.

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  57. Hang in there. I've been trying to get pregnant for four years, and while we still haven't succeeded, I'm determined not to feel sorry for myself. There are so many things to be thankful for in my life, and I just have to believe that God knows the best time to give us a child. I've been doing acupuncture too, for the last few months, and I love it! It's helped me relax, and regulated my cycles (which I've never had before). I agree that it SUCKS when people tell you to just relax or "stop trying and it will happen". I love your advice on what people *should* say...I concur. :) Best of luck to you...

    Charity

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  58. It has been extremely helpful for me to find this blog -- and I look forward to continuing to read it. We decided to start trying in August, so about 9 months ago, and it has been torture. First, I didn't get my period; then, I went on clomid and had an IUI, only to get an ectopic pregnancy; then, I treated the ectopic pregnancy only to get a 9 cm ovarian cyst that has shrunk, but is still 3 cm and not going away. As I currently stand, I cannot take fertility medications or try IVF (because of the cust), my cycle is completely erratic, and I have the risk of another ectopic. I feel like everything is working against me and I am months - years - if not eternally away from getting pregnant. When I am at work, with friends, at a party, driving my car, at a concert . . . now matter what I am doing, I am thinking about this. I feel like I am always in darkness. My best friends and family are all having children and expecting. I am about to turn 29, so I have the benefit of time, but I also have a very steep mountain ahead of me. I appreciate reading about the struggles of others because I feel completely alone in this.

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  59. It's sooo GREAT to find someone in similar situation! I found my husband early on, but we didn't start trying until I turned 29. I don't think I would've gotten through the 'dark period' if it wasn't for God, my dear husband, & fam. I've been on herbs & acupuncture for almost 6 months now -- although I've never been so relaxed that I fell asleep on the table, it definitely regulated my cycle (my cycle turned to painful wack after 3 rounds of IUI and 2 rounds of IVF)

    I look forward to reading your posts!

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  60. I know this has been said a lot here but I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I were very laissez-faire about the whole thing. Sure it'll just happen. Six years went by and nothing. Then suddenly I got pregnant. And miscarried. Months went by. Pregnant again. Miscarriage again. My husband didn't know if he wanted to put me through that again. A year later...pregnant again. We now have a wonderful seven month old baby girl. We will have been married 16 years this August.

    My miscarriages were due to thyroid issues my doctor suspected but don't know for sure. We were so close to doing infertility treatments but never pulled the trigger. I really feel for you. I remember how bad a friend of mine felt to tell me she was pregnant. I felt bad that she felt bad. Sheesh!


    I had asked my husband during that time if he would regret never having kids. He said that a lifetime with me was what he wanted. Kids were a bonus but not the end all be all of us. I felt much better after that. Now people ask me when I'm going to have another. It never ends I guess. After everything, one miracle is plenty to have granted. I don't feel the need or want to ask for another.


    Hang in there!

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  61. Mars, reading all the comments on here makes me even prouder of you. I'm so happy to seem to have some new readers to follow your journey and enjoy all your positive posts. :)

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    1. I completely agree! I could not be more proud of her. :)

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  62. We went through years of IVF and had a ridiculous number of people tell us that all we had to do was relax. "Just go out and get drunk and have fun and let it happen naturally!" they'd say. "That's how my dentist's cousin got pregnant after trying for 5 years!" Ugh.
    The good news is we now have a 6-month-old son who is most wonderful little gent imaginable. We finally got pregnant by using a donor egg -- something I never thought I would do when we first embarked on our fertility journey. Now all my doubts about having a baby this way seem so silly. And I am so grateful this option existed for us. We keep saying "Oh, we had to go through all that crap for THIS baby. It was absolutely worth it!"
    My best bits of advice are: dial up the humor and caring in your partnership to 11 and keep yourselves open to having a baby in a way you may have once dismissed.
    Good luck with everything, my dear. You are not alone.

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  63. Hi Jess. We went through our own journey two years ago. My journey is definitely not your journey, but I do hope that you can find some therapy in writing about your experience. I certainly did. I'm including a couple of posts from my blog in case they are of help for you. In case you haven't already, I would start drinking raspberry leaf tea. I had heard it was good for your uterus and whether coincidence or not I conceived a month after I started drinking it every day. We also read The Secret and really started believing. We stopped protecting ourselves from the chance that it wouldn't happen and just started believing that it already had. And in fact, it did. I'll be thinking of you - like you said, it is REALLY hard. And I know what you mean about ice cream. I ate a lot of that too.
    Best wishes!!
    Anna
    http://janusznewlyweds.blogspot.com/2012/03/post-for-anonymous.html
    http://janusznewlyweds.blogspot.com/2011/06/infertility-become-fertility-last-part.html

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  64. Jess,
    Wow I totally know how you feel. I went through 7 years of unexplained infertility before finally getting pregnant with my first IVF treatment. I hated hearing just relax, just go on vacation, blah, blah! My grandmother even cut out articles from the National Enquirer about how I should drink cough syrup to help me get pregnant. I started wishing I had never told anyone we were trying to get pregnant. During that seven years I watched my brother and sister-in-law have three beautiful boys and countless friends who weren't really even trying have babies. It was so, so hard and I felt like even though I had this wonderful husband and family and life I just couldn't be truly happy. It sounds like you have found great ways to cope and be happy. I wish you the best of luck and I have no doubt it will happen for you. I just hope it happens soon!

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  65. these feelings, so familiar to me..
    but my situation is worse. I don't even have a cat.
    b

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  66. I found you through Cup of Jo. I hope it's not as cliche to say "just relax" but know that you are not alone. So many people are struggling with you. That doesn't make it any easier, but you will find kindred spirits walking this path right along side you. I am so happy you are able to recognize those things that make you happy while you wait. That part is almost as hard as the waiting. I may be young, I may have found my mate young, but I waited and it hurt.

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  67. Hi Jessica, just read your post, we struggle with the same thing. it´s amazing the time it takes to be emotionally ok with this, not fine, but OK. You are not alone, embrace the happiness of having the love of your life and never loose hope. We can´t loose hope.
    I wish you the best, be strong. And please... ignore all the people that will tell " Just relax! It will happen once you calm down! It´s the stress! Are you sure you´re husband is really wishing the same?, bla, bla, bla" and all those senseless things, they haven´t felt this, so they will never understand, it's not their fault.

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  68. i'm so happy Cup of Jo posted a link to your blog. I'm 7 months into our own struggle and your honesty is so freshing. if i hear one more person say "just relax" i might throw something! thank you! thank you!

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  69. Thanks to Cup of Jo for posting link to this article, I understand where you & your husband are as we're trying for a baby for 3 years now, will start treatment, so fingers crossed we will be blessed to have little ones as you i am sure as well. And yes, people who don't realise there might be problems, just keep asking when you are going to have babies, i am running out of excuses as don't want to share the problem we have with everybody.
    However, I am positive, have to stay positive, all the best for you both as well!

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  70. I found this through Cup of Jo too. Thanks for your honesty in sharing about your journey. We are still trying to figure out if we want kids, but I am reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility to try to learn more. (And I am in my mid-30s, so the time to figure it out is now.) Anyhow, the book is teaching me things I was never taught about fertility, timing in regards to various fertility indicators, etc. I'm only about half-way through but I have been recommending it to all my friends because it is just so informative and fascinating, plus the information is useful if you are trying to get pregnant OR if you are trying NOT to get pregnant.

    I wish you all the best.

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